Dad, we received an offer on your house yesterday. Actually, we have received 2 offers. Both Leon and I like the local who put in a bid- he knows Rubyvale, loves it and said we could visit anytime to see how the place looked in the future. I feel more at peace- not only because his offer was higher, but he genuinely loves the look of the house and loves the community. I know this will make you happy to know. You built a home, not a house, with your own hands, and it won't be neglected.
I'm a bit sad to let it go on one level. Just as sad as I was to finally throw out your palliative care paperwork a few days ago. I was surprised that I still had tears to shed. I guess though I really shouldn't be- I still feel regret for not being the daughter you wished I was. Or, to be fair- I was completely the daughter you loved, longed for, missed and wanted. I was the one withholding love, time and emotions. I'm so sorry. I wish I could change that.
I know why I felt afraid when Leon first made contact with you. I grew up a very broken child who seemed to constantly be singled out for abuse and ridicule. I know the pain of being punched, spat on, stripped at a playground, being taunted or blatently rejected just for being me all before the start of my teen years, combined with frequent moves that saw me going to 3 different primary schools and 3 highs. I was socially withdrawn by my mid to late teens, which resulted in leaving school in year 9 and struggling to keep a job. When I heard that you were alive and well, contrary to previous 'facts', my world was thrown. Yes, I am an adult now. However, my belief that you were largely responsible for my fractured self was a belief that I had held for so long it was hard to dispute. It may have been fuelled by mum's recollection of things, and child care study seemed to reinforce the theory that a brief time living with you was enough to scar my developing young mind and emotions. I was in turmoil.
This turmoil was fuelled by an additional life changing process I was enduring. Broken people don't always make wise choices, and at the time of your 'discovery', I was struggling to get through a painful treatment to heal my body after poor choices led it down a road of chronic illness. My hair thinned, my weight plummeted as did my emotions. Sleeping was impossible as everything ached and burned, my head throbbed constantly and my body struggled to cope with the form of chemo medication I had to take for 6 months orally and through injections. I could barely function myself, let alone deal with meeting you. As it was, I went on a rollercoaster ride for several months after successfully completing the treatment as I felt friendless, my body was weak, I struggled with depression and felt as though my life had gone backwards in so many ways. Even while doing extremely well at my Design course at Tafe the year after treatment, I would often have to lock myself in the bathroom and just cry as a deep sadness overcame me. It was a very lonely, painful, but necessary time in my life.
I am glad you were patient with me- I found it so hard to trust-you or anyone. I still have the first letter you sent me. It speaks volumes to my heart- a fathers love for his little girl pours out of the awkward handwriting.
I am glad I started writing to you, though I know I tried my best to put you off with my harshness and brutal honesty. It didn't work. You still loved me!
After a time, we started our phone calls. I was surprised by your strong accent and at times, it made understanding difficult, yet we found a way. I was sorry to hear that you weren't well, though I'd never had guessed you were at that time struggling from lung cancer, and your stubborness prevented you from finding out. Would it have softened me sooner? Perhaps. To be forgiven and know we're loved before leaving this world is more than anyone of us could ask for yet all desperately need.
One heated phone call finally prompted change. I'd worked out by now that you were a stubborn and proud Croatian! Guess what, as the fruit of your loins, I've inherited that trait too! That's when I told you to get to a doctor NOW! Little did I realise that you would actually listen to me. A few days later, my brother rang to tell me that you were in Prince Charles Hospital, Brisbane, having been flown down by the Emerald Hospital. You had wanted to meet me and had requested numerous times. All your plans weren't working as your health and finances were tough. My life as a working single mum was my handicap too. Well, this was the perfect opportuniy. And I didn't want a bar of it.
The day I agreed to visit, you had just had a biopsy and were awaiting the results. I put the girls in the car and started the drive. My stomach was in knots and I really didn't want to go through with this at all. My temper was foul and the city traffic only added to the stress. On arrival at the hospital, I felt like I was in a bad dream and after asking for your room number, felt like hurling in stress, especially as I neared your room. I walked around the door and without any warning, tears poured from my eyes and yours too. You leapt up and embraced your little girl, even with a tender armpit from a biopsy, for the first time in over 30 years. It was a beautiful moment. You embraced the girls too, love and pride filling your eyes along with tears of joy. The lady in the adjacent bed cried too. She had been told the story of our separation and subsequent reunion by you and was sharing in this emotional moment.
You looked on me with eyes of love and pride. It was at that point that I realised I could have been 150 kilo's and have 12 different children and a criminal record! I was your little girl, your firstborn child who had given you 2 beautiful granchildren- that was all that mattered. You said you didn't care what the resluts of your biospy were, you were now a happy man. And for that time, you were. I'm glad I didn't listen to my fear and keep shutting you out. My daddy loved me, of that I was certain.
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